Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Flip Flop

I barely slept last night which is of no surprise after yesterday's session as it was a heavy one. I wasn't expecting what came up to come up. I was brutally honest about something and it's kind of tearing me apart.

I admitted that I won't tell my father to stop contacting me because there is a tiny part of me that still hopes for a real father daughter relationship. When I said it yesterday I was disgusted with myself and instantly regretted sharing it. I quickly reminded myself that this is the space to say such things, it's a safe space and it's ok. I was terrified I was going to be challenged on it and questioned and I wasn't ready to actually talk about it. I am still disgusted with myself but I am being gentle and reminding myself that this is what makes me human. Wanting, wishing, hoping... I'm pretty sure it's normal to want that father daughter relationship. I keep comparing it to someone who didn't have a father growing up and they created the fictional spy agent father who couldn't contact them because it would blow their cover. I'm trying not see it as being any different than a basic want/need. 

I am finding myself growing increasingly resistant to talking about this. Which is weird because I started out wanting to dig deeper. I'm scared but I'm pretty sure that's normal too. 

I also discovered yesterday that deep down, in the very pit I still harbor some self blame. This absolutely rocked me. I instantly started to cry. I hate crying. There's this voice that accompanies it every fucking time "what are you a baby?" and it's my damn mothers voice. 

I don't know where to start. Do I focus on the fact that I still wish I could have a real relationship with my father or do I start with the fact that I still, unbeknownst to me, harbor self blame and responsibility? It's not complete self blame so I am light years ahead of where I started right? This is a good thing. 

I need to keep reminding myself that this is a process and this is all part of the process. That there is no timeline, there is no one single path that I can take. There is no right or wrong. There are in fact multiple paths running in multiple directions. It's exhausting but in the end it will all come together. I know this... at least I think I do. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

to be continued....

I am sitting here, drinking my morning coffee and wondering where life is going to take me next. I know where I want it to take me but as we all know that doesn't really mean anything. I could make all of these huge elaborate plans and one thing could happen that would completely derail them. So I guess I'm wondering what the point is? I also think it's far too early to be introspective and depressed.

I need things to slow down for a bit. I need more me time. I'm getting up an hour before everyone else so I can get the quiet time I desperately need but I'm exhausted so it's not recharging me like it should. One thing that is helping my mood is the weather as it has finally shifted into spring and I am loving it! I have already spent hours working on the yard to get my gardens ready for planting. I shut my brain off and just focus on the task at hand.

This last week or so has been a struggle. My thoughts are all over the place as are my emotions. I don't know which ones to focus on or how to silence them all so I can focus on something. I start to think about my father and the good and bad memories and then my brain shifts to what needs to be taken out of the freezer for dinner or that I forgot to switch the laundry around

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Another Layer

I don't know where to go from here. The glow from believing it's not my fault has passed. I am now in some weird foreign land of grief? I think this is grief. I don't really know and I'm confused.

I keep thinking about blaming myself and how infinitely stupid that was and how much time I lost hating myself. How much hating myself has impacted my life. How much I let all of this control me and destroy me.

I keep reading how it's never too late to start over or to realize and reach for you dreams. Right now that seems impossible.

I also don't understand how I got here. I was fantastic! I was free! Now I feel low and sad. And angry. Can't forget angry.

How many layers to healing are there? How many times does this carousel go round and round? It seems to never end. I jump over one hurdle and there's 5 more in front of me. When does it get to 4 or 3 or none? Will there ever be none? I don't expect a perfect spotless, tidy little life but I do expect to one day not wake up and instantly think about something that I have to push away and ignore to get out of bed.  Does it ever truly happen?

He texted me and asked me to visit this summer. I briefly thought of what it would look like with a normal father. I'd pack up my family and we'd drive to paradise. To a place I have always wanted to experience and explore but will probably never be able to. We'd be greeted with open, loving arms instead of a roaming hand for a quick ass grab or a nipple pinch. I wouldn't be filled with anxiety at the very thought of saying hello. My child would know who her Grandpa is instead of Mommy doesn't have a Daddy. We'd unpack and relax and catch up on our lives, prepare dinner together while laughing and poking fun. After the kid was asleep we'd steal away to the patio and reminisce and he'd tell stories of how much my daughter is like me when I was that age.

Excuse me while I vomit!

I told my counselor that it doesn't really bother me when he contacts me, I just ignore it and carry on. I lied. To both of us. I am far too skilled at lying to myself.

I told my husband he texted me again asking if we'd come visit and he asked me if I told him to fuck off. I told him I just ignored it, and then almost burst into tears. That's when I realized that simply believing that it's not my fault still doesn't change my most basic want. A fundamental need....

I want a Dad.

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Shift!

[Thanks to the blogger app on my iPad I lost this post earlier today. I am going to try to recreate it...]
  • It's not my fault
  • I am not defective
  • I DO deserve to heal and move on in my life
I've been thinking about how I have finally managed to achieve this massive shift in thinking. I'm fairly sure it all started with my mother having a massive heart attack followed by a triple bypass. I had to raise above the sudden stress and responsibilities thrust onto me and as such I learned a few things about myself.

I am stronger than I think I am. I am far braver and more resourceful then I had ever thought possible. I am also smarter than I thought. 

Another thing that shifted is the Lego memory surfacing and the thoughts that followed and how I actually believed myself when I told myself that nothing is wrong me. I thought about the family that  my husband and I have created. I thought about my friends who are like family, and if I let them, they would be there any time I needed them. I came to the conclusion that crap attracts flies and more crap which means that awesome must attract awesome and since my circle is pretty damn awesome I can't be that bad right? 

I have also been thinking a lot about how foolish and stupid I have been blaming myself for all of these years. It's not my fault that my father is a sick fuck. It's not my fault that no one could be bothered to pay close enough attention to notice what was happening. I never asked to be molested. I never asked to be raped. I said NO! I pushed him away. I said NO! I didn't say yes please shove your dick in my mouth. I fought and I screamed and I cried and I said NO! SO FUCK THEM! 

IT'S NOT MY FAULT! 

It feels amazing to think and say that and actually believe it. To feel that it's real and true and right. 

I'm excited for the next steps but I'm also nervous. This is entirely new territory, I've never been on this side. I have also never been prouder of myself. 

I am strong and I got this!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Riding the Wave

It's been a few days since the break through and I am still riding the wave.

Honestly I was expecting the ground to fall out from under me. I was expecting horrible thoughts to take over and take hold and drag me down. It hasn't happened.

I think this is the pivotal moment I have needed to finally move forward. This is the shining light at the end of the tunnel. The dawn fading the darkness. The sunlight through the trees.



THIS is everything. 

Have you ever experienced being cold and shivering, stuck in the shade waiting impatiently for the sun to come back from behind a cloud? When it finally does and it hits your face with that burst of warmth and envelopes you into it's cocoon and you're grateful? THIS is that feeling.

The physical effects are astounding. I was not aware of how much the shame and guilt was pressing on me. It's not all gone but a huge majority of it is. I described it previously as a giant foot stepping on me. Imagine the biggest, baddest, steel toe army boots you can and then imagine them pressing down getting heavier every day. I was almost completely crushed. 

I am terrified and elated. I feel lighter. I feel freer, I feel, dare I say it? Happier. How long will this last? 

I know there is tons of work to be done now. True healing can finally start to begin. 

IT IS NOT MY FAULT. 

I don't think I have ever spoken a more freeing sentence in my life. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Holy Break Through!

Huge fucking break through tonight. Huge. Fucking HUGE!

I feel so much lighter. Like there was a foot pressing down on me and suddenly it let up and there is less pressure and I can walk taller.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

I'm not defective. IT'S NOT ME!! There is NOTHING wrong with me. Okay, there's lots "wrong" with me, but not this. I don't own this anymore.

I don't even know how to describe this. I don't have words.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I want to scream this in the streets. I want to climb the tree in my backyard and shout it at the stars. I want to climb the twirly slide and slide down gloriously while screaming IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!

I hate to mention it but there's a niggling thought in my back of my mind wondering how long this will last before I'm hit with something and fall back into my usual pattern. There's an instant downer. Shit.

Meh, even one hour of actually truly believing that it's not my fault is better than never believing it at all.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!



Friday, April 3, 2015

Different and Perfect

I have received several emails asking where I am and why I stopped posting. A few of you were worried something happened. My apologies. I needed a break from the hills of healing. Life also managed to become rather chaotic and I stopped practicing any self care and instead immersed myself in my daughter and husband. Let's say I was lost for a while.

I felt a strong need to write today so I am listening to my gut and here I am!

My husband and I were chatting today about my love of Lego and how much I am enjoying it now that our kid is into it. I have been waiting patiently (or not) for her to discover how much fun it is. I loved Lego as a child. I used to spend hours tucked away in my room playing with it. I felt a sudden wave of sadness wash over me as I thought about the houses I would build and the families I created. I regularly created families that I was adopted into. They were perfect families. Mom and Dad who never yelled, or hit. I had an older brother and sister who adored me and were always there in any situation to help. I created other characters that were adopted into this family as well. We were all damaged in some way, some had been emotionally and physically abused, others sexually. We were all accepted and taken care of and loved.

Looking back on that fills me with sadness. I was creating what I wanted in my imagination. What I craved. What a big part of me still craves. Even as an adult I still deeply desire a loving family. Parents who actually care and don't just want to use me for their own gratification. I started to get down on myself and those thoughts started to creep in. What was/is wrong with me that I never had that? Am I impossible to love? What did I do to deserve the parents I got and the terrible things they did? Just as suddenly as those thoughts started another thought popped into my head...

NOTHING! I did NOTHING.

I started repeating that over and over and reminded myself that now I have my OWN loving family. I have an awesome daughter who is the light of my life. I have a husband who loves us. I have a circle of friends who are my family. I created exactly what I wanted as a child. It might be different than what I had envisioned or wanted all of those years ago but it is nonetheless perfect and for that I am grateful.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Buzzfeed does it again!

This is a spot on compilation that perhaps will open a small window in the life of someone who deals with a mental illness.

25 Times Tumblr Told The Truth About Mental Health

Saturday, November 15, 2014

So Very True








This is, sadly, very true. It is incredibly easy to hide in plain sight and no one is any the wiser.