I admitted that I won't tell my father to stop contacting me because there is a tiny part of me that still hopes for a real father daughter relationship. When I said it yesterday I was disgusted with myself and instantly regretted sharing it. I quickly reminded myself that this is the space to say such things, it's a safe space and it's ok. I was terrified I was going to be challenged on it and questioned and I wasn't ready to actually talk about it. I am still disgusted with myself but I am being gentle and reminding myself that this is what makes me human. Wanting, wishing, hoping... I'm pretty sure it's normal to want that father daughter relationship. I keep comparing it to someone who didn't have a father growing up and they created the fictional spy agent father who couldn't contact them because it would blow their cover. I'm trying not see it as being any different than a basic want/need.
I am finding myself growing increasingly resistant to talking about this. Which is weird because I started out wanting to dig deeper. I'm scared but I'm pretty sure that's normal too.
I also discovered yesterday that deep down, in the very pit I still harbor some self blame. This absolutely rocked me. I instantly started to cry. I hate crying. There's this voice that accompanies it every fucking time "what are you a baby?" and it's my damn mothers voice.
I don't know where to start. Do I focus on the fact that I still wish I could have a real relationship with my father or do I start with the fact that I still, unbeknownst to me, harbor self blame and responsibility? It's not complete self blame so I am light years ahead of where I started right? This is a good thing.
I need to keep reminding myself that this is a process and this is all part of the process. That there is no timeline, there is no one single path that I can take. There is no right or wrong. There are in fact multiple paths running in multiple directions. It's exhausting but in the end it will all come together. I know this... at least I think I do.